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PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2002 9:12 pm 
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Posts: 2030
Location: s/e ohio
Automobile Tool Definitions
Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive car parts not far from the object we are
trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops
or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works
great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor
of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to
the rear axle.

Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

Vise-Grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage
cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look
in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy
lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the
PX at Fort Campbell.

Zippo Lighter:
See oxyacetelene torch.



Whitworth Sockets:
Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding
six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would
throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones
poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack:
Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you
have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the
front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers:
A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone:
Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your
boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of
ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car
battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail,
just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips:
See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under
cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt;
can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension
bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in
Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off

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I like my steak like I like my women, young, tender and bloody.

All I need is my weed, women, and wine. -Edge City Outlaws


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2002 10:31 pm 
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Posts: 3477
Location: Sand Bernardino, CA
lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rotflol

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2002 11:19 pm 
OMFG :crazyeyes: lol Well If you can relate to at least 4 or more of these you might be a red-neck :drinking: :usa Hmmm wonder where I am LOL wont say but I think it's beyond red-neck. Hmmm can ya be beyond red-neck :?: :?: :?: :rofl: I guess being from Texas orignally does account for most of it. :2gunfire:


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 08, 2002 2:32 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 14, 2002 1:56 pm
Posts: 47
Location: Alta Loma,CA
Those are great Larp!!
Phil


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 Post subject: LMFAO!!!!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 09, 2002 7:26 pm 
LMFAO.... Hilarious but because it is all true!!! but you forgot to mention the unexplaianable fact that all tools have the ability to grow legs and walk to where you were just at 7.5 seconds ago and not be found for atleast the time it takes to smoke a six month old salem(where did I put that damn torch!!!) :x

Dave


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2002 10:02 am 
Murphy's law if u drop a tool while working under the hood it will ALWAYS roll to the very center under the truck, cause u to have to bend ur out of shape ass over and lay down and crawl on the floor, hehe then i bought a creeper LMAO

Later

~Es~


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2002 4:02 pm 
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lives at LUVTruck.com
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Joined: Mon Dec 16, 2002 11:09 pm
Posts: 308
Location: White Bluff, TN
LMFAO. :crazyeyes: :drinking: :lol: Larp that shits hillarious. Laughed so hard my sides hurt. More than a couple of those have happened to me. What does thet say for me? :wink: :wink: :wink:


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2003 5:09 pm 
that was a lot of typing. funny!


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2003 7:59 pm 
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Location: s/e ohio
77ssluv wrote:
that was a lot of typing. funny!


or alot of copy and paste, :wink: :lol:

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I like my steak like I like my women, young, tender and bloody.

All I need is my weed, women, and wine. -Edge City Outlaws


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 4:21 pm 
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Location: s/e ohio
was searching for something and found this again......

yep....still funny :lol: 8)

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I like my steak like I like my women, young, tender and bloody.

All I need is my weed, women, and wine. -Edge City Outlaws


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 9:18 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 24, 2004 10:14 pm
Posts: 1515
Location: Caldwell, Idaho
LOL thats funny! I think I think am worse than what you said those tools are used for.

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 4:12 pm 
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Posts: 993
Location: Winston Salem, NC
laughed so hard i almost crapped my pants... which by definition in my shop are also used as oil filters so your leg hair can be covered in clean diesel oil, instead of oil with dirt and grime...

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-Old ride-82 Luv diesel 5spd with some upgrades
-Past rides-82 Sierra, 78 Coupe De'Ville, 91 2dr Blazer, 86 RX7, 86 Porsche 944T (rear-ended and totaled)
-Curr. rides- 1970 Ford LTD 4dr, 390 4Bbl, 2nd owner! With a few Extras ;) 00' Civic beater...


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 12:52 am 
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da LUV masta
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Posts: 592
Location: Melbourne Australia
lol dats funny shit!
i saw those definitions in the paper a few months ago lol

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I said no to drugs....But they just wouldn't listen!

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap!


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