|
>>> From Texas: They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
>>> comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
>>> Astrodome!
>>>
>>> INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
>>> Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
>>> Texas from the East Coast:
>>> "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
>>> The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
>>> be
>>> standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon,
>>> when the call came.
>>> I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
>>> wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
>>> beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from
>>> the
>>> event:
>>>
>>> CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
>>> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>>> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>> FRANK: Holy shit what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
>> dried
>>> paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>>> hope
>>> that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>>
>>> CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>>> JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>>> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>> seriously.
>>> FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
>>> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
>>> to
>>> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
>>> saw
>>> the look on my face.
>>>
>>> CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>>> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
>>> beans.
>>> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
>>> nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
>>> routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid >>>pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part >>> of my chest. I'm getting shit faced from all the beer.
>>> CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>>> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
>>> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was >>> unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, >>> the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 >>> lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm >>> eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>> CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>>> JUDGE ONE: Meaty,
>>> strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
>>> kick. Very Impressive.
>>> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use
>>> more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead >>> and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people >>> behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed >>>offended when I told her that the chili had given me brain >>>damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer >>> directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
>>> my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges asked >>> me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
>>> CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>>> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>> spice and peppers.
>>> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>>> onions, and garlic. Superb.
>>> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with >>>gaseous,sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm >>>worried it willeat through the chair. No one seems inclined to >>>stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I >>>need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>>> CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>>> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
>>> about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as >>>he is cursing uncontrollably.
>>> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>>> wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
>>> world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
>>> covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
>>> My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
>>> least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
>>> decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
>>> getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
>>> through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
_________________
Certified pilots, looking down on people since 1903.
|
Login
FAQ
Search
