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got so many good ones today i had to combine them
#1
A guy goes on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law to the Holy Land.
Sadly, the mother-in-law dies. He goes to an undertaker who explains that
they can ship the body home but that it will cost over $5000, whereas she
can be buried in the Holy Land for only $750. The guy says, "We'll ship her
home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can
do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here. Three
days later, he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
#2
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
#3
A couple was about to celebrate fifty years together. Their three kids, all very successful careerists, but not as attentive as the parents would have liked, agreed to a Sunday dinner at the couple's house. The children were all late, as usual, and the excuses flowed like wine:
"Happy Anniversary, Dad!" gushed Son # 1."I'm sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital; you know how it is, and I didn't have time to
stop to get you guys a present!"
"Not to worry," said the old man, "The important thing is, we're together!"
Son #2 rushed in. "POPS! Lookin' good! And MOM! Beautiful as ever! I just got back from closing a big deal in LA! Came straight from the airport, and didn't have time to buy you a gift. I'm so sorry!"
"It's nothing," said the old man, "We're together, that's the main thing!"
Daughter: "Mom, Dad, the firm is sending me to Europe for a conference. I have to run as soon as dinner's over. I didn't have time for a shopping trip!"
The old man sighed, "It doesn't matter; we're just glad we're together!"
Halfway through the meal, the old man, in a reflective mood, said, "Listen, you three. Something's been on my mind, and I want to tell you about it. Your
Mother and I, well, we came to this country during the war, penniless, desperate, and, in the struggle to survive, I'm afraid we never got around to getting married. We just knew that we loved each other, and after a few years, it didn't seem important, so ...."
The three offspring, with a collective gasp, said, "Dad! You mean ... you mean to say . we're . BASTARDS?"
"YEAH, and CHEAP ones, too!" retorted the old man.
#4
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor crea! ture rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
#5
SEX RIDDLES
1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends .
3. What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.
4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!
5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
8. What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
9. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.
10. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
11. What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in ...definitely!
12. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
13. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.
14. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
15. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
16. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
17. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.
18. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.
19. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
20. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
21. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
_________________
I like my steak like I like my women, young, tender and bloody.
All I need is my weed, women, and wine. -Edge City Outlaws
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