EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Dress Code
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It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothes and driving a nice new car, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not ever need a raise. If you dress poorly and drive an old junker, you just need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and a better car, and therefore you also do not ever need a raise. If you dress just right and have an average-looking car, you are right where you need to be and therefore you too do not need a raise.
Sick Days
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We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are also able to come to work. So just get your lazy butt in here.
Personal Days
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Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. (These days are not guaranteed and can be taken back by us at any time.)
Bereavement Leave
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This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for any dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Besides, they are dead so they don't care. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to all of the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch time and subsequently leave work exactly that many minutes early.
Toilet Use
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Entirely too much work time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken of anyone exceeding the allowed time limit. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Toilet Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in their picture will be sanctioned under the company's Mental Health policy.
Lunch Break
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Skinny people now get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people now only get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a can of Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be emailed to:
resignations@thebossesdesk.com.
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